im not feeling well. i think i might be having food poisoning. i went to the toilet 7 times in four hours. i vomited threetimes, and had to digest four times. im feeling so uncomfortable now. i wish i can go home… sob sob… my bf is not replying my msg’s too. he’s so insensitive!=( sigh… wat to do? hav to understand lo… he’s working ma. on the job now.. sigh.. so lonely…. but my friend said not to keepon caling/mag’ng him. cuz he’d get bored of me and eventually, our relationship might just fizzle out…. sob sob.. but i miss him so so much…. though v can still meet each other everyday, but its never enuf. v see each other for short while only. i hope/wish v lived together. how good will it be then… hahaha… v wud be able to c each other everyday then… heehee… but then again, my friend might be correct.. he might get bored of me if we meet each other everyday… i just hope thay he doesn’t get bored easily… sigh… i gtg anyway… my trainer might be here any moment byeez…

i don think im gonna do much bout it… sigh….. cuz i don feel like im being very truthful towards him too. i do not particularly tell him everything. haha…..!! but then and again, one still needs thier own private space right? i just thought of it… sigh how much more of a failure can i be? i really miss the happy things v did together. the times v had, bla bla bla… ok… here’s the catch. i find myself to fail so deeply because of someone. i still love him. o dear…. if only my bf knows, im a goner…. sigh… i don’t intend to hold it from him any longer… but time doesn’t permit… and it hurts. it might be hurting him too,if he ever finds out… er.. o ya… i forgot. i told him this before… haha. but not the whole truth… i kinda lied to him by saying that i do not have felings towards this long time lover of mine. he even went to Genting with us. i was so afraid that i might hurt both thier feelings…. sigh… that’s y im in such a mess right now.. i really do not know who comes first. now the problem is, i cannot seem to make up my mind. oh God.. pls tell me wat to do…. i do not wish to bring this forward any further… sob sob…… the guy whom im having a relationship with is a prson who can bring me a lot of hapiness…. but he can also shatter my heart into a million pieces at the same time. that’s y i said i really do not know wat to do…. however, on the other hand, i have had my mind on this other guy since i was young…. believe it or not, since std1…. im now in college. i know that this long time lover of mine can be rather immatured at times, but he’s gonna be a good bf if ony i had no bf myself…. so…. decisions, decisions, decisions…. Mira…. pls tel me wat to do again… im sori to bother you so much Mira…. this is wat im thinking right now… i’d continue my relationship with my recent bf……. but if we ever break up, not to say that im praying that we’d do so, but wat im saying is,…. if,…. i ever break up with him, then i’ll end up with my long time lover…. i don’t mean him as my backup. not at all…….!!!!!! sigh!! do you think im wrong to do so? wud it hurt either of thier feelings?? sigh… im a failure at this. i do not know how to handle love…. God knows… only he can help.

sigh … sadly to say, i really do not know what ive brought myself into… its cuz i really dunno if my feelings towards him are for real or merely infatuation. but i know, watever it is for now, its alr too late for me to turn back. this is cuz the relationship has been too fast… everything happened so fast, i know not wat to do anymore. moerover, i really do not know if im really into such a person like him… to start of, he’s a non-Christian. secondly, he smokes… two of the most important critereas i want in a bf is dissolved just like this. i really do not know how to tackle a problen like this. moreover, im being taken as the third party of this relationship. that’s wats driving me crazy. this is because i couldn’t determine my feelings towards him. infatuation, or true love. this is truely headache for me. and i do not know if he’s meaning wat he said towards me at all. he had a total of 22 gfs before me. and yet he can say that he’s serious towards me. the worst thing ever to happen to him is that i do not have full trust towards him. but i promised to have 100% trust in him. so i sacrifice the chances knowing that i mght be hurt deeply if i ever fall too deep in love with him but find out that he’s playing around with my feelings all this time. i am willing to sacrifice if im positive that he’s really into me… but the problem now is that i haven’t a single clue that stands out clearly, saying that he’s really into me. watever it is, its a big obstacle for me. he has time for everyone except for his gf. i just had heart pain. i can’t take too mus\ch preaaure. otherwise, i’d get a heart attack. i wished i am a healthy being. this is because, then i can do things that are difficult to handle, without being too concerned about my heart. anyhow, i just hope that things between my bf n i will be settled soon. it might be me thinking too much anyway… hahah!! well… trying to cheer up myself actually… sigh… btw… i really hope that my family would accept him in the future when i intro him to my family.. sigh. its so scary. its like v only have like wat? a short time beforre i shall have to tell my parents about it… im realy so worried. i pray that i’d be able to get him to kno Christ heart to heart, and that he will be a Christian in the future. pls pray for me Mira.. u too ash. love u both! muax. er ash? sorry for not knowing that u knew about my blog… i didn’t mean to.. gomen… is there anything that i can do for u? hehe……. mohon ampun tuanku….

i dont know wats happening in my life rite now, i feel like garbage… being gossipped and said by ppl, seeing that im being the third party in a relationship rite now… thank God nobody i knoe, knows about this blog. i dont want my friends to think im the third party. sigh.. i dont know if i should feel normal or sad rite now. im having a headache alr… but according to the other ppl, the girl is jst finding it difficult to accept the fact, so she says im the third party, jst to make herself feel better… it may and may not be true at the same time. so i was jst thinking… how would i ever make her feel better, so that she doesnt have to do these things in order to feel better. i think im beeing too naive too… maybe im being too soft hearted… i dont know… but one thing that i know is that, i can never bear to c someone else suffer because of me. it makes me feel like im the evil person… sigh… if only i can be harder at heart… but i cant find myself doing so, as it could lead to hurting someone else… mira… u be my comforter. i know ive always counted on u whenever i felt sad… ur the only one who knows my everything. not even my family knows so much about me… sigh… ur more of a family to me, instead of a friend. anyway… i just pray that i wont be misunderstood by ppl. i just want to remain a clean profile here as i continue my off the job training… so long as for now… take care mira.. muax!!!

he has been a close friend to me through my weeks in training while i was in taylors college. i told him quite some information about myself and eventually, i found out that i trusted him more than most other ppl here in my HIAS program. since its been some time that i haven't been hanging out with Hwang, Seng, and steven, i found that im not so close to them anymore, though i can still relate some things about myself to them. but the fact is still there. we're not so close as v used to be, before this. but im still somewhat happy… this is because i dicovered tht ive been somewhat in a crush with the person whom i found, very comforting to me. this is because of his smile. he has the nicest smile in the whole of HIAS…. at least, thts wat i tink. hehe… anyway, he appeared to be the second person who asked me if i would accept him… im feeling happy and afraid at the same time. this is because three girls like him, and i have my own problem as to explain this to the fist guy… and i also feel guilty towards my most recent ex. this is because, i have not been very true to myself, after telling him that i might not, most probably not be having another bf, in case i get hurt again. ive been hurt too many times, to actually gain back the courage ive lost, in order to love again… but im willing to take chances with this particular guy, for i have dicovered that i could relate quite well to him.. i just pray that i wont make anoter mistake again this time, or i shall be too afraid to love again… this time, for good… pls help me mira…

yesterday has been quite a tough day for me… so has the weeks before yesterday been. this is because of the reason that i broke up with my most recent boyfriend. it is very difficult for me to get over him. this is because he is my second true love. my first true love would always remain as merely a dream. i would never have thought that v may be together for long. this is because of the vast differences that v share. i have never met any guy like him before. he's so special, to the extend that no one can ever be compared to him. u people out there might call it obsession. but to me, it is taken as seriously as anything important could b. anyway, about yesterday… i have been crying a lot. i found that i couldn't stand it anymore. i broke down yesterday. its almost been a month since the first day we broke up… and since then, i have told myself to stay strong. life has to go on. i cant just wallow myself in depression anymore. i still have a long journey to embark in my life. how am i ever gonna improve if i still cling on to my past? but i came to realization that such a thing is often easier said then done. and so i broke down yesterday, while i spoke to his mom. his mom still adores me… thank God for that…!! his mom has been very supportive to me. she said that no matter what happens, she'd still welcome me to thier house. but i'm afraid that if i ever go over to thier house, i wouldn't be able to bear the crushing fact that we've already broke up almost a month ago. it might all sound too simple and boring… but once u've expereinced it urself, u'd find that it is very difficult to hold back the feelings that has always been there for far too long a time. mira; i'm sure u'd understand what i'm talking about…. and my feeelings too… i love you mira…. and i know you do too… muah muah!!! kisses for u my bestie… hee hee…

i heard from my best friend that her boyfriend ill treated her… i really dono y she puts up with him for such a long time… mira. i was thinking. izzit because tht u have always put up with his behaviour, that he doesnt seem to mind anymore? because if u continue doing this, he would surely take the advantage seeing that u seldom voice out ur opinions. anyhow, i find that the relationship between my bestie and her boyfrined is deteriorating and getting worse by the second. i really do not understand her in this matter. this is because she has put up so much with him. they’re not even married to each other. there are so many problems and mistakes made by both parties… and no ammmendments were made at all. so i was thinking again… is the relationship worth saving?? i find it to be quite absurd that they can still remain together despite the arguments , disagreements and misunderstandinga that they went through together. thier relationship now, seems to be hangin. sigh… i, as a bestie and pet sister, really do not know wat to do with this. its none of my business actually… its between thm. but i find it really so difficult nit to care for them and to be by thier side whenever they need someone to be there for them. the worst thing is that, i cant take any sides. and this might result into a situation where my bestie/pet bro into thinking that im backstabbing them when i talk to either one of them…sob sob. im upst for both of them… i reallly do not know wat to do………………

im not too sure as how to put it to words… its kinda shocking to me. i didin't but the words my friends told me… i didn't take it seriously, s i thought they were just joking. u see, they're the kind who like fooling around and they are seldom serious. it has been some time ago since the last my friends told me that there was this guy who's interested in me. i took it lightly and eventually forgot what my friends told me… so it was about next week or so, that i was confronted by him, and i was kinda taken by surprise. i didin't know what to do… but all that i remembered was that i made excuses. i didn't wanna hurt his feelings… but neither do i wanna drag it any further…. i told him i needed time… oh mira, ash… pls tell me wat to do now, as i'm feeeling like a blob, and do not know how to aproach lightly, gently, without hurting his feelings…. blaarrgh… so wierd now… o.0